Runtar’s Diary: I Tried Garlic

You may remember that when I last wrote, Piss Boy had become a Tyrannosaurus Rex and someone had just smashed through a church window shouting about revolution.

Things became considerably worse from there.

The revolutionary turned out to be one of the Baron’s bullywugs, accompanied by a heavily armoured knight. They kept the vampire archers busy while we dealt with everything downstairs.

Piss Boy bit the vampire enforcer.

I don’t mean Piss Boy himself, obviously. He was still a dinosaur.

He picked the vampire up in his mouth and refused to let go while Daisy threw an astonishing amount of fire at him. Eventually the vampire turned to ash.

I’m sure that’s probably the last we’ll see of him.

Baw Baggins then finished what I’d started and shot the great glowing eye at the front of the church. It shattered, the spell over the remaining townspeople broke, and everyone ran for the doors.

Unfortunately, things were still going rather badly for us.

Piss Boy turned back into a boy and immediately collapsed again.

I managed to get him back on his feet with a healing spell, which I feel goes some way towards balancing out what I did next.

Mum, I tried to kill a vampire with garlic.

I have a magical pouch that can produce any seasoning, and it seemed like a perfectly sensible idea at the time.

It turns out vampires aren’t actually harmed by garlic.

This one quite liked it.

I then tried to stab him through the heart with a wooden cooking utensil.

That didn’t work either.

Baw eventually killed him with a sharpened wooden arrow, which I suppose proves I had the right general idea and merely chose the wrong piece of kitchen equipment.

Then the last clergyman changed.

His face twisted, his eyes merged into one, and something far more powerful started forcing its way through him.

Daisy hit him with everything he had.

The creature nearly killed him for it.

Then it hit me with some sort of acid spell and nearly killed me too.

So there we were. Daisy and I bleeding on the floor, Piss Boy recently undinosaurised, and Baw Baggins hiding behind a pew with most of our survival resting on his next shot.

He killed the thing.

I won’t tell you what he put on the arrow first.

You wouldn’t approve.

The bullywug and the knight finished off the remaining vampire archer, then carried Daisy and me out of the church.

Apparently they have a safe house.

The last thing I remember is being given a library card and told I’d need it where we’re going.

So that’s promising.

Assuming I wake up.

Love,